3 Strategies for Emotional Freedom for Empaths and HSP’s
Dr. Mary kate roohan
Do you have big feelings? Me too. In fact, my experience with big feelings is the reason I became a California therapist. I understand the challenges of being a highly sensitive person or an empath. I know what it's like when your emotions take the wheel and threaten to spin your life out of control. Spoiler alert: emotions are NOT ideal drivers.
Therapy, especially counseling that I participated in when I was living in New York and Los Angeles, taught me how to live WITH my emotions, rather than spend countless hours attempting to numb them, fight them, or escape them. More specifically, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) guided me to change my relationship with my inner experiences.
These tools provided me with the skills I needed to gain a sense of agency over my own life. Now, as a psychologist in Pasadena, I’m excited to share some epic tools from these therapies that are backed by extensive research.
Here’s the guide I wish existed when I was first learning to navigate my big feelings.
Understanding Big Feelings
So…big feelings. What are they? Continuing with the driving metaphor, let’s pump the brakes and start with: who are YOU? Are you someone who feels a LOT?
If you identify as an empath, emotional sponge, highly sensitive person, or super feeler, you may possess the trait of emotional sensitivity. Emotionally sensitive individuals feel more intensely and more frequently.
One of the biggest challenges that comes with being a big feeler is that you have a tendency to make choices based on your emotions. You may find that you “obey” your emotions. If your sadness tells you to get in bed, you’re like “YUP,” and before you know it, the day’s over and you’re still in last night’s pajamas.
Working as a Psychologist in Pasadena, I witness how feelings come up in many different forms. Every person’s emotional life is unique.
It’s FRUSTRATING when it seems like your BIG emotions are determining what you’re capable of doing. It can also be exhausting, overwhelming, and lonely. You may have this general sense that the people around you don't "get it." The people in your life may tell you: “you’re being sensitive,” “stop worrying about it,” or “it’s not a big deal.”
Oftentimes, people who possess the trait of emotional sensitivity are frequently invalidated by their environment, leading to self-doubt, self-criticism, and self-judgment.It’s not easy. I get it.
The GOOD NEWS is that there are evidence-based strategies you can use to be the BOSS of your feelings.
Here are my favorite approaches to try:
1. Stop What You Are Doing and Observe
First things first - STOP what you’re doing. Try to identify what you’re feeling. Keep in mind that when your emotions are heightened, this can be difficult to do! You may be experiencing simultaneous physiological sensations, racing thoughts, and urges.
In your moment of pause, ask yourself:
What emotion am I experiencing?
What physical sensations am I experiencing? (ex: nausea, tension, pounding, etc. )
Where are these physical sensations located? (ex: stomach, chest, head, etc.)
What thoughts are most present?
What do I have the urge to do?
You may or may not be able to come up with the “right” name for the feeling… naming the experience accurately isn’t the most important part of this exercise. The focus is to PAUSE, to just notice what’s happening. This gives you space to make some choices, rather than doing what is most natural: obeying or avoiding your emotions.
Simply taking a moment to pause and reflect can be a powerful tool in preventing yourself from either getting overwhelmed by your emotions or trying to avoid them altogether.
2. Describe In A Nonjudgmental Way
Use descriptive language to articulate your internal experiences. Describing the facts prevents you from getting tangled up in all the stuff happening on the inside. Apply the age-old wisdom of “dance like no one’s watching” here: talk out loud like no one’s listening, if that feels right!
Simply label your internal experiences as what they are: thoughts, feelings, sensations, memories, images, and urges. Maybe you say, "I'm having the thought that things are hard," or "I’m having the sensation of pounding in my chest.”
When you start to observe what’s happening inside of you, you may have the instinct to judge it. If you’re treating your internal experience as "good" or "bad," you are placing a judgment on that experience. When we judge what’s happening inside us, we tend to get even MORE worked up. Imagine this scenario: you are feeling really bummed out and think "this sucks,” which leads you to feel agitated ("I hate feeling sad!”).
A psychologist in Pasadena can provide you with a space to explore and evaluate your emotions without any judgment or criticism.
Next thing you know, you’re feeling jealous (“it’s unfair that nobody else has to deal with this”) and lonely (“nobody gets what this is like”) and ultimately hopeless (“I just feel like there’s something wrong with me”). Judgments can be a bit of a slippery slope to feeling miserable.
The key here is to remember that judgments aren’t objective facts, but rather reflections of your own preferences. A non-judgmental stance evaluates concrete information without adding interpretations, assumptions, or stories. Be the Nancy Drew of your brain and focus on the facts as you investigate your experience.
3. Try “Defusing” (Don’t worry… I’ll explain!)
When big emotions surface, it's easy to get tangled up and feel like you ARE that emotion. You become FUSED to the emotion, unable to see beyond it. You see everything through the lens of the emotion... Almost like you’re wearing sunglasses of that feeling.
Like, if you're feeling really sad, you may start to see things through your sadness sunglasses. Your thoughts may come from a place of loss, hopelessness, or helplessness: "It's never going to work out." "It's not worth it." "They don't really care."
Your body may have a heaviness or weight to it, and you may not want to do anything because it just feels too dang hard. You may even start telling yourself the story that you are a sad person, leading a sad life, doing sad things.
DEFUSION is taking off those sunglasses. It is the deliberate CHOICE to notice and observe your emotions. Defusion is treating the unwanted experience as what it truly is: a fleeting moment. When you take the shades off, you create a little space between yourself and your feelings.
Your California therapist can help you take off sad sunglasses and help you look at emotions not through emotions.
With clear eyes, you recognize that your feelings are JUST that: feelings. Spontaneous experiences that come and go. Observing your emotions from a distance, instead of "fusing" with them and becoming one with your feelings, allows you the freedom to choose how you WANT to respond.
There are many defusion exercises that you could try:
"I am having the feeling of... [insert emotion, mad-lib style]”
“I am having the thought of… [insert thought, mad-lib style]”
“I am having the memory of… [insert the memory, mad-lib style]”
By simply naming that overwhelming experience as a feeling, you can begin to defuse from it. The act of naming the emotion as something outside of yourself tends to decrease the intensity of the emotion.
Be the BOSS
Remember that emotions are fleeting, and you have the power to choose how you respond to them. Don't let your emotions be the boss; become the boss of your feelings. With the right tools and guidance, you can transform your relationship with your emotions and embark on a journey toward emotional freedom and empowerment.
Head over to Thrive and Feel for more information on how to live the life you WANT to live, even while feeling some big emotions. I’ve created a framework of practical, accessible tools and strategies that help emotionally sensitive people change their relationship to their emotions and feelings.
If you are tired of your BIG feelings taking the wheel and spinning your life out of control., don't worry. You can schedule a free 15-minute call with me, Dr. Mary Kate Roohan, and I'll help you explore your emotional needs and discover the right path for you.
Want to know more about the author?
Hi, I'm Dr. Mary Kate Roohan! I'm a licensed psychologist and drama therapist who works with folks who are navigating big feelings on a daily basis. My goal is to help you change your relationship to your thoughts and emotions so that you can live the life you WANT to live (one filled with vitality and purpose, of course).
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