Why Emotionally Sensitive People Have Lower Self-Esteem

By: Dr. Mary Kate Roohan

We all have a unique, personal experience with emotions. For some, emotions feel like fleeting moments in a day, and for others, emotions feel like tidal waves.

If you resonate with the tidal wave analogy, you may possess the trait of emotional sensitivity. As a psychologist and drama therapist, I work with many emotionally sensitive clients. In fact, I am emotionally sensitive myself! Many people have not heard of the concept of emotional sensitivity. In fact, most of my clients did not even realize that they were emotionally sensitive until they started individual therapy with me.

If you are emotionally sensitive and unaware of this trait, you may describe yourself as “too sensitive” or “too much.” You may identify with labels such as a highly sensitive person (HSP), feeler, or empath. You might even notice that you tend to engage in people-pleasing behaviors.

In this blog post, I will define the concept of emotional sensitivity and explain how possessing this trait can lead to lower self-esteem. This conceptualization of emotional sensitivity is from the biosocial theory model of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), which views emotional dysregulation as a result of the interplay between emotional vulnerability and an invalidating environment. 

My hope is that this blog will help you learn more about your sensitivity so that you can live more freely.

What is Emotional Sensitivity?

Emotionally sensitive folks feel more often and more intensely. In other words, if you are emotionally sensitive, you feel a LOT.

Sensitivity can also be viewed as a strength. People who are feelers tend to be more socially motivated, empathetic, and compassionate. Emotionally sensitive people are frequently considered good friends and attentive listeners, known for their compassion, humor, and creativity. As an HSP Therapist, I have noticed that many clients are comedians, teachers, caregivers, actors, and therapists.

Emotional Sensitivity Seems Cool - What’s the Catch?

Emotionally sensitive people are more vulnerable to mental health challenges when there is a mismatch between their sensitive temperament and their surroundings.

The "environment mismatch" concept refers to the disparity between an individual's emotional sensitivity and how the environment responds to their emotions. Oftentimes, emotionally sensitive folks are repeatedly exposed to invalidating environments.

An invalidating environment undermines, dismisses, or ignores an individual's emotional experience. Sensitive people frequently receive explicit and implicit messages that their feelings are wrong, exaggerated, or unacceptable. These messages really hurt... especially when they are received over and over again.

If you are sensitive and experiencing emotional invalidation, any of the following may be familiar:

• Your emotions are not acknowledged or validated.

• You are told to “just get over it” or “stop being so sensitive.”

• Your feelings are minimized or dismissed as unimportant.

• You are made to feel guilty or ashamed for expressing your emotions.

• Your emotions are met with anger, criticism, or punishment.

These experiences can lead to a sense of not being understood, accepted, or valued for who you truly are. 

Can you give examples of emotional sensitivity and invalidation?

Sure. Let’s see if this story resonates.

Picture yourself in junior high. Imagine that your teacher is passing out the results of a recent quiz, and when she hands you your paper, you see that you received a failing grade.  You begin to cry.  Your classmate is sitting next to you and asks you what happened. When you tell her you failed the quiz, she says, "Who cares? I failed too. It's just one quiz... we have them every week. You shouldn't be that sad about it." You blush with embarrassment and do everything in your power to stop crying.

Your classmate's response invalidates your emotional experience. She may not have intended to hurt you, but dismissing your feelings can lead you to internalize the belief that there is something  "wrong" with you for being upset about the test.

This is a pretty clear example of emotional invalidation - you are told that sadness is not an appropriate response to getting a failing grade on a quiz.

It is crucial to acknowledge that invalidation is not always easily identifiable. It can manifest in sneaky ways! Even when the invalidation is subtle, it can send you the message that your response is “incorrect.” When subtle invalidation occurs repeatedly, it can profoundly impact how you see yourself.

Here is an example of a "sneakier" form of invalidation:

Picture yourself in junior high. Imagine that you are struggling to complete your writing assignment because you are feeling anxious. Most of the other students have finished. Your teacher sees you have not completed the task and says: “Don’t worry so much about this assignment… you’re overthinking it.” The comment increases your anxiety and leads you to feel ashamed.

If you are emotionally sensitive, the teacher's comment can be experienced as invalidating. While the teacher likely did not mean any harm, they communicated that your reality (the task is anxiety-inducing) is incorrect (the task is simple, and you should not be anxious and “overthink it”).

When a young person is repeatedly told that their experience of reality is wrong (“You’re too sensitive,” “It’s not a big deal,” “They didn’t mean it like that,” etc.), it takes a toll on his or her self-esteem.

If either of these examples resonates with you, remember that you are not alone in your experience. Emotional invalidation is quite common. One reason that emotionally sensitive people frequently encounter emotional invalidation is that most people are not emotionally sensitive. 

In other words, if you are emotionally sensitive, your unique experience may be quite different from most people you interact with. When parents, teachers, coworkers, or friends do not possess the quality of sensitivity, it can be challenging for them to attune to the experience of someone who is emotionally sensitive. 

How is Sensitivity Related to Self-Esteem?

Emotionally sensitive people frequently have difficulty trusting themselves. One reason for this is that the environment frequently told them that their responses were “different.” When their emotional reactions differed from those of their peers or siblings, it fostered uncertainty and self-doubt.

Over time, sensitive people may internalize these moments of invalidation and begin to perceive their instinctive emotional response as inherently wrong, different, or even shameful. Oftentimes, this view is generalized to their sense of self. For example, a sensitive person might begin to see themselves as “bad” for consistently being “wrong.” The feeling of being “bad” can manifest as feeling unlovable, defective, or incapable.

Consider a situation where your emotional reaction differs from that of your peers. Did you automatically assume that your response was somehow “wrong”? This is self-invalidation - telling yourself that your reality is faulty and should be different.

If you consistently invalidate your experience, you may notice your self-esteem has taken a hit.  

When those closest to us fail to understand our emotional sensitivity, it reinforces our belief that we are fundamentally "different" from others, which can generate a barrier to trusting ourselves and our emotional experiences.

It's important to remember that you are not defective. It is very common for people who are emotionally sensitive to have thoughts about being unlovable, broken, or a burden. These are just THOUGHTS and are not a reflection of reality. The thoughts are likely a product of being a sensitive person in a society that does not encourage emotional vulnerability and authentic expression.

How An HSP Therapist Helps Sensitive Clients Heal

The first step is insight. Identifying that you possess the trait of emotional sensitivity can, in and of itself, alleviate some of the distress you may be feeling around how you perceive the world.

It is also important to take steps to attempt to embrace the sensitivity. I know this may seem difficult to do because you’ve probably been told your whole life to refrain from being “so sensitive.” The thing is, sensitive people rock! We need feelers! If you can start reminding yourself that your emotions are VALID, you are taking steps toward building up your self-esteem.

Find some empaths and feelers near you so that you can create a more supportive and validating environment for yourself. You may also benefit from finding a therapist who understands and appreciates the depth of your emotional experiences and can help you navigate some of the challenges associated with sensitivity.

Curious About the Sensitive Person Who Wrote This?

Hi, I'm Dr. Mary Kate Roohan! I am a psychologist and drama therapist who empowers sensitive people to live the life they WANT to live. I provide care for individuals who may experience emotions that feel out of control, engage in behaviors that make things worse, worry about what others are feeling and thinking, and feel exhausted in life.

Interested in learning about how to live life as an emotionally sensitive person?? Sign up to receive a FREE gorgeous PDF (my lil sis designed it!) with strategies that help you to be the BOSS of your feelings.